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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen(2009)

Spoiler Grumbles
WARNING: Please do not continue reading unless you have either seen the movie or do not mind having it spoiled.

Oh Mr. Bay. Before I go on a massive rant, I just want to remind everyone, that Michael Bay is my idol and I really respect his work for what it is, entertainment. But we all know that Mike can get carried away. So here it is.

I really enjoyed the ‘Sam goes to College' scene in the film for three reasons:
1) Sam spazes out and Shia LaBeouf looks like a fool
2) The realistic depiction of college (every girl is a model and Frat parties are like clubs)
3) Alice (Robot woman)!
Okay, actually those are all the reasons I hated this scene. In fact the only thing I really liked about this scene was Sam’s mother acting a fool. She was hilarious (even though I’m still not quite sure what was in her ‘brownie’, because I don’t think it was marijuana). First off, I always feel bad for actors when they have to pretend to be seeing through time, having a seizure, or being corrupted by the allspark. They always look foolish and you know they must feel foolish. Rarely ever have I seen a spastic actor add anything significant to the story or the visual. But that’s more of a personal gripe. The real gripe here is Robot Woman. What a terrible, terrible idea. So many things about her don’t make sense. Since when can decepticons take on human form? Not only that, they can grow and re-grow human skin and hair that has such a realistic texture that Sam could not tell the difference between Alice and a real woman like Mikaela (Fox). Alright, let’s give the movie the benefit of the doubt and say that the decepticons have learned this technology; there is still no reason that Bumble Bee should not have been able to detect that Alice was a decepticon. Sure, I loved the whole ‘cheating’ joke situation that was created, it was funny, but it doesn’t make sense. A decepticon is sitting inside of Bumble Bee and the autobot is just riding her around town.
Another random note that I want to mention is the fact that Alice had a tail. Do you know why? Not because it was necessary, she could have just as easily had something come out of her finger or forehead. She had a tail so that the camera could justify showing her (Isabel Lucas) butt. Good ol’ Hollywood, never lets you down.

Let’s jump far ahead for this next one. What the he!! was that whole ‘Robot Heaven’ scene about. Really, Sam went to ‘Robot Heaven’ and was granted a second chance? Sigh…that is by far the dumbest thing in the whole movie (yes even worse than the mini-robot that humps Fox’s leg). Not only was that scene foolish, it was completely, 100% unnecessary. Sam didn’t have to die, the ‘Matrix of Leadership’ didn’t have to disintegrate upon contact, and the whole nonsense about the ‘Matrix’ lore (being for the chosen one) was hokey. So why was this scene in the movie? Just to make the film worse? To be honest, I don’t know. Please let me know if you have any opinions on this, because my hair is coming out in clumps just thinking about it. You could have just as easily had Sam get the 'Matrix', call the military to bring optimus, and still have the war scene as Sam runs accross the desert to revive optimus. The same stuff is accomplished without the insult.

Another bothersome thing toward the end of the film, why is it that ‘Steroid Optimus’ doesn’t go about destroying all of the remaining decepticons before calling it a day? He just kills the Fallen and then starts talking to Sam. We know, he knows, everyone knows that Megatron, Star Scream, and I’m sure another hoard of Decepticons still live. If there was ever a better time to end the war once and for all, it would be with ‘Super Prime’. I guess not. I guess Optimus was tired after that anticlimactic ending. Speaking of which, why was the ending so quick and un-sweet? After all the hype of the ‘Sun Harvester’ machine, I figured it would take more than just a bullet to destroy it. Guess they just don’t make ‘em like they used to. Not only was the Sun Harvester destroyed without incident, the Fallen was also a chump. After displaying his supreme power by creating his own gravitational pull, Optimus proceeds to molly-womp his a$$ without breaking a sweat. This isn’t even an exaggeration, did anyone else see the Fallen land a single hit on Optimus. No! It was a pure butt whooping. Every other robot in the movie put up a better fight than this infamous leader of the decepticons. Boo.
Along these lines, why is it that only a Prime can destroy the Fallen? Did anyone hear that explained once in the movie? They just kept repeating the phrase over and over again, “only a prime can destroy the Fallen.” Are you telling me that Bumble Bee could not cut the head off of the Fallen? What would happen, would the Fallen just come back to life? Would Bumble Bee explode? I guess we’ll never know.
A final note on this topic, the story of the Sun Harvester confused me. So the robots would go from planet to planet and eat their star, but only if there was no life on the planet in which they set up shop. Well what about the surrounding solar system that the sun affects. Just because one planet in a system doesn’t have life doesn’t mean that the others don't. If the robots landed on Venus, we would have been screwed.

One of the stand-out cool robots in this film was the “devastator”. I know it was sort of silly, but it tore stuff up none-the-less. Unfortunately it was completely owned by random, prototype, secret weapon ‘Rail gun’. This gun was accurate for up to 1000 miles and was super powerful. Why doesn’t the military already have this gun as a hand held weapon? They should have been using that gun all day. I guess it was a prototype, so perhaps in a few more years it will be in a smaller form. I was a little surprised that the gun shoots a powerful blast straight over the terrain. What happens if it misses its target, does it just level a city somewhere down the road. I guess someone should have thought about that before they fired randomly at the pyramid.

Speaking of the Military, I am so pleased that they were actually doing some damage to the decepticons by the end of the movie. If you notice, the military spends the entire first 1.5 hours getting owned. In fact, I was beginning to wonder why they were even sending jets or helicopters anymore since every wave was destroyed. It was like sending the pilots on a suicide mission. But by the end, it seemed that the humans were destroying the robots pretty good. Though it pleased me, this is also another problem. I was under the impression that the robot planet was destroyed and that the alien race was almost extinct. If so, how is it that Megatron was calling down decepticon bombardment one right after the other in this movie? He drops like 30 robots each time and they all get killed. If they are so rare, how is there so many decepticons? Not only that, where are the autobots? Not only as a species, but where were they in the movie in general? Optimus was killed. No backup in sight. Bumble Bee fights two robots, no autobots helping him out. The desert battle is raging on, but when worse comes to worse the old geezer robot has to come to the rescue. Where are all the autobots? Also, why could the decepticons not kill these humans in the desert? I’ve seen one decepticon level a military base, but 30 can’t take on a little contingent of soldiers in the open desert. Skorpinox almost killed a military unit like this in a very similar setting in the first movie. Oh well, I guess ‘Decepticon Training School’ died with their planet and the new recruits are too green to know how to execute.

But then again, I’m just a dude, what do I know?

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