The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

(2008)

Spoiler Grumbles
WARNING: Please do not continue reading unless you have either seen the movie or do not mind having it spoiled.

I already started grumbling in the 'Negatives' section. Though I could go on with each of those points for a time, there are so many other atrocities, that I’ll change the topic here.

Why is it that everyone knows so much about ancient myth except me? In this movie, if the mummy knows about a secret Fountain of Immortality, everyone else who’s last name is O’Connell knows too. This happened at every turn in this movie. "Oh no the mummy is getting the ‘space activator for Neptune’s sandal'", and to that an o’Connell will respond, “it is rumored that the sandal is the source of contacting the heavens.” Really, if this thing is such common knowledge, why in the world haven’t people already discovered it and taken it public? It’s only when a mummy comes that the Fountain of Immortality becomes interesting. Afterall, I think the world would be very interested to know such information, espcially medicine.

Let’s take a step back to the beginning of the film. Son o’Connell is walking through a booby trapped ridden tomb of an acient Chinese Mummy. No matter how many traps he and his crew spring and no matter how many people in their crew die, the characters never start to take caution. Why? Do they want to spring every trap for fun? Even funnier, every time someone dies from a trap, the group just moves on. No regard for human life at all. Let’s sacrifice as many living people as we can to find one dead guy that will…cure cancer, end world hunger, something. No, in fact mummies do nothing but sit in museums (or in this case try to take over the world). What a foolish premise (I apologize to the archeologist of the world, but even they must think that this movie is a little ridiculous and not representative of the actual career at all).

What is up with all the horrible fighting in this movie? An assassin comes to kill one boy and an old man. Too bad for her, she didn’t know that son O’Connell mastered every form of combat in his years of sand walking. Not only does a skilled assassin with the element of surprise fail to kill the boy and old man, she runs away when the two targets finally empty their guns. Why was the assassin running? Did she forget that you're supposed to strike when you opponent has empty guns? I guess not. Dumb. Along these lines, why are bad guys such terrible shots. An army of Chineese soldiers (wearing Japanese helmets?) are unloading on the O’Connels with machine guns and bazookas, and the O’Connels kill them all. "But they had guns," you say? It wouldn’t matter if Fraser had a banana peel, he was going to win. I understand the need for having the good guys win, but why can’t it be done more convincingly, even in a kid's movie? I believed the fights in "The Spiderwick Chronicles."

Another great scene, the Mummy (Jet Li) has super powers and he is coming for the Pool of Immortality, and the best you do to guard it is to have some tired old women stand watch. You do remember that if he gets to the pool he will destroy the world, right? I guess that’s not such a big deal. I'm surprised they didn't just decide to put a fence around it. What would I have done? Collapse the pool with dynamite, O’Connells always carry TNT in one of their pockets. Then no one would be able to have it. What does the world need immortality for anyway? This is something I never understood in any film. Why have someone stand guard for an eternity over something you want no one to touch? If no one should touch it, just destroy it. Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

Oh, let me not forget the Yeti. Do I need to say more? Probably not, but I will anyway. The yeti were awesome. I actually really liked them and thought they were one of the best things in the film. Were they believable, did they make sense, were they necessary, were they not stupid? The answer to all of these questions is 'No'. This is a good example of 'just because something seems like a cool idea don’t find an excuse to use it in a movie for no reason. Plus, did they really do the field goal thing? Sigh…

My last gripe is the army battle. Don’t get me wrong, I love army battles. I like it every time the "Mummy" movies have a big 'dead people' fight. But in this situation, after the two "Mummy" episodes before, to which there were plenty of witnesses, why don’t these people just call the army or something. The Mummy would never get away with any of his evil plans if the British Military just dropped some missles on the Mummy's army before they got to the wall, or if they crushed the mummies with a tank. You would think that they would do something like this to protect the world. Though I agree that just having two people fight off an undead army in the desert is probably the best idea, I think this alternative might be considered.

But then again, I'm just a dude, what do I know.